What the Wind Said

This is another beginning. I like all of those beginnings. It makes me feel good. I have been wondering all about that stuff. I have once again been thinking. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about Wendy. Perhaps I have been just trying to get myself out of the hole. She has not written back since I wrote and told her all about Anna's abortion. I feel a pretty grave loss. The point of the letter that I would write to her would go into that. I suppose there are those things to think about. I thought about some of the things I would say. I wanted to be real with her. I did. I wanted to be real just so that I could develop "the act". That's what I need to think about. How to keep that going. Its that gift of fire thing again. Every once in a while it races through your life and destroys things. Sometimes you need that. I can no longer look at these things as good or evil, bad or good. Things just are. And they move. Sometimes they grow and sometimes they shrink. I don't know that one direction can be better than another.

What I want is to develop myself. That is what I want. I want to really evolve. I want to grow. I want to provide a great legacy for my children and grand children. I want to be strong and powerful. I want to have perfect balance. I want to achieve and I want to expand. Beer just doesn't do any good for all of that. It really doesn't.

The Retreat

The retreat from Anna has begun. No, this is not the retreat that is of the vanquished or the weak. This is the retreat of the strong. This is the letting the darkness come over it all. This is letting the dark forces wax while I wane. But I remain close. In the little things. It is there that I remain close. I kind of like it because it sure has freed up a lot of time for me to get things done. I have been getting a lot more done and I am very happy with that.

The Ranch

Stuff at IBM is going well. It could be going better and, indeed, it is the purpose of these words here to help me find ways to make it happen better, faster and more cleanly. So, I think that one thing I would like to do is to clean up my area. I think that I would like to do that tomorrow. So that on Monday morning I could just go in have everything there. I would also like to clean up the hard drives on all of the machines. I would like to do that type of thing. I would like to demonstrate a new kind of focus. That speed, balance and so forth. I would like to see that. I would like to be that. Endurance. That is also something that I want to bring to bear on all of this. I really need to start reaching out into all of the different parts and to look for something that is really spectacular. Something that I can put into my portfolio.

Wendy

I still don't want her to go away. But when you think about it, she could and it would be alright. I suppose that I will still send her thoughts. What can she do? Ignore them. I understand that if I had gone out and had some physical affair and slept with some woman and she ended up pregnant then there is some kind of failure there. That would be easy to handle. Easy to understand. But this is something quite different. Something happened inside of me because of Anna that is unlike anything that I ever felt before. I felt an overwhelming outpouring of love for her. It was deep and wide. I would have done anything to take the pain that she was feeling away. That is really what I was trying to do. But what does that all mean. I see it now as a failure. A failure of some kind. I don't know that I'm ready to concede that it was a bad idea. But then again, what does all of that matter. I have to be ready. I have to be strong. I have to be ready for combat. Combat is here. Combat is real. I am ready for Combat.

What the wind said

I need a wind. I have been praying more lately. I have been praying for help to get into fine physical shape. I have been praying to say that I want to love my Self. I want to show that love with concrete physical acts. I want to show that love with a dedication to health and intellectual development. I want to show that love with all manner of feeling and thought. I want to show that love with everything that I have. I can really do that.