Habla Con Ella

Today is Saturday, although I feel that it could be Sunday. I haven't been working too much in the past few days. I'm going to need to put a lot more effort into my work. I need to do that. What about Anna. I don't know. After talking to Caroline, I feel much better. It was fun to talk with her. I enjoyed it a great deal. We went up to black hawk and gambled and had dinner. It was fun enough. She liked it. I liked the time that we had to just talk in the car. We spent a lot of time talking. There are so many things to talk about. Natasha was so upset yesterday. She was just so insecure. I don't know. I need some more time to think about that. Maybe I'll wait. I could make them so they are not connected. So I just tried to call her. She was not there. I was not very happy. I wanted to talk to her. So I have been thinking a lot about love. I don't know. I remember those four days when I did not talk to her. That was really something. I was in so much pain. Now again I am in that pain. I see a spider crawling across my screen. I need to maintain my own sense of self. That is what I need to do more than anything. This is a spider. A spider is sitting on my computer monitor. I think she came for the light. Now she walks up the edge. I don't see her anymore. She is sitting there looking at me now. Right on top of my computer. I don't know for sure what it means. I don't know for sure much of anything. Everything is so uncertain. To destroy a family. To feel love. What do those things mean. I think about them. I think about her. Will we be together again. Do I love her? I do love her. That is something. I don't know if she loves me, but I think that she does. I am pretty sure that she does. I should do a tarot reading for her. That is what I should do. Can I do it with meaning. I think that I will do that. I will lay them out and she can read them. I would like to have her look at the cards and to see them for what they are. I will show her step by step how to do it. That would be fun. The spider walks around my computer now. She seems to like it here. She has made a complete trip around the monitor. Now she is back where she started. Now she begins another trip. I don't know if she will do it. I should be glad about the fact that Anna was not there. I will talk to her later. I will be happy to talk to her later. Maybe later today. Maybe tomorrow. I don't know. We will see all of these things happen in their own time. I will be the ocean of love for her. I know how to do that. I don't need much more than that. I will not do anything stupid. I won't. But I will do what needs to be done. I must do that. I must do at least that. I need to celebrate this love for all its worth. There are many things that I need to think about. Why do I feel this pain if pain is not a part of love. Why do I feel insecure. I did not call her those four days to rid myself of this pain. The fear of her rejection. I need to work and study today. I need to make my plans. That would be good. Let me think now about a list. I think that it is a good sign. I never saw a spider during my relationship with Anna. Never. Now it disappeared. I don't know where it went. There it is. Making another circle around the monitor. Looking for dinner, no doubt. Sasha is crying for attention, as she often does. I wish that I could talk to Anna. I really want to talk to her. She may not want to get up yet. So I won't call all the time. I'll call in a couple of hours. That is what I'll do. Natalya got a C in her class. She was so upset. That really is a tragedy. I don't know what to think about that. Perhaps it was the attendence. I don't know. I guess that she'll have to ask him. I guess that she will have to find out from him what the problem was. I don't know. She was so sad about that. I wonder if that little spider will survive. For how long. I do so wonder. I will not know. I would like to know. I wonder what she feels. Anna seemed to have pms. That worries me so much. I really want her to be pregnant. I want to be connected to her forever. That is really what I want. I don't need to worry about any of these other things. I really don't. I don't like the thought of her going to Austin. That would bother me. I don't know that she will. I guess that I will wait and see. What if my word meant something. Does my word mean anything to you. Do you think that I am an honest man. Do think that my word means something. Than live your life and make your decisions based on that fact, because I'm not lying to you. I'm telling you the truth. I know that it will be hard. I know that. But, that's the way it must be. That is the only way that it can be. That is all.

Christmas with Caroline

I guess that Maggie must really feel guilty about the way that she behaved. I don't know. Whatever all of that amounts to. I don't really know. I think that maybe Anna is in a bad mood. You know, I will just have to wait and see. We will all have to wait and see. I don't really need anything to work out. I want to love all of the people that I know. I saw the spider again. I was on my keyboard. So maybe I'll wait for a while before writing. I don't know what all of that means. I really don't. I would like take a look around and see. Caroline seemed to be in denial in some sense of the word. I don't know. She still had this thing happening. I don't know. A strange bunch of stuff. Nelson doesn't like being here. No problem. Caroline is a peacemaker. She doesn't want there to be hate and anger. She is getting calmer with age. She is maturing. Stange to watch. I wonder what I'm doing. We still need to work on my self-image. What is it like? Caroline. I guess that I would like to do my own tarot. I guess this is my question: are all the feelings really there. Is there anything in the marriage between Caroline and Nelson that really is alive. Do they really love each other. Or do they just get along. So about Anna: what do I love about her. She needs me. Is that bad? I don't know that I have a tremendous amount of admiration for either Natasha or Anna. I can't feel anything like that. Does love need admiration and respect. Did I respect Zap. Yes. What about the intelligence in Anna. Is there any wisdom there? Don't know. What is it about Nelson that she admires most. She likes her family. I can tell that. Even the stuff that all the others judge she allows. She is stong. I like her. What is up with all of that. We went and gambled and talked a lot about Anna in the car.

Thinking now about things I need to do for work. Like what. Relationships. Joe. Doug. Dave. Ivan. etc.

Joe's talk about reinventing the work flow stuff may be a little bit limiting. What about when a tool makes somethings easier, trivial, and better. Sometimes using new tools to solve old, well-developed problems is an opportunity.

A need to learn everything there is to know about IBM. The structure and the function of IBM as an ecosystem. Knowledge is power.

The Financial knowledge training system. Need to work on that. I really need to work on that.

Java. Need to develop my skills in Java and Corba.

VM. What about VM. I need to get a good book and to study the hell out of it. I need to approach all of this stuff from a more Guerilla kind of strategy. So think about these things.

Document. The vitality of the document. An interesting thought. I have more information than I know what to do with. That is why I need to organize it. That is one of the things I need to do. I would love to know where she went. Probably shopping. That's right. By herself. She wanted to do her own thing. Now that she was up. I should allow at least that. I really don't mind. I feel good about our relationship. I do.

T. Vincent Learson 1971-1972
Frank Cary 1973-1980
John Opel 1981-1984
John Akers 1985-1992
Lou Gerstner 1993

I just talked with her. I must admit that it was kind of nice, except for the point about her birthday. I don't know why she doesn't want to say yes to me. I don't understand it at all. She said something about how it iritated her. She just let me do it. That is the way it was? I wonder if she is afraid of it. I wonder if she is afraid of failure. Afraid of vulnerability. I asked her if she thought I was an honest man. She said yes. She is probably very frightened by it all. I know that she says she loves me. I think she does. I think that she is very insecure. I think that is a theme that comes up over and over again. She was in a very good mood today. She seemed happy. I think that you just need to keep working on it. Just listen to what she needs and find out what she wants and work it from that angle