Dressed in Uroboros

And I somehow managed to leave the note that I wrote behind. I wrote such wonderful things about the Swan and honey bear. I wrote most everything to Liz. Don’t know why. The swan was glowing. There were two lesbians talking. Then the person playing the violin came to them and joined them. She was wearing Uroboros. That man in the Broncos sweater. How gay. How totally gay.

Yvette

Last night I had dinner at the Dushanbe tea house. Yvette, from the past, from Casper, was there. It was interesting to see them again. Yvette is living with some geezer rancher dude named Martin. Money, I guess. That is that. Kind of like a prostitute? I don’t know. Seemed like she would like to be married, but he doesn’t want to. Just wants to hang with a young woman. I guess I would too. I guess that it just depends on what’s right for her.

Natalya got really mad when I offered her a ride back to her hotel. She was really jealous. I don’t know, but it did seem rather pathetic. I guess that I just don’t quite understand why she does that. It is more than that. It is all of this prison like quality. The way she will not take any kind of responsibility for anything. It is this automatic and immediate placement of blame.

It is like everything has to be my fault. It is like she cannot and will not be responsible. That is so sad.

When we got home the girls were kind of wild. We played on the computer. Dasha played too. Then we went upstairs. I wish things were better. Natasha yelled at them.

I wanted to remember my dreams, but I did not. I don’t know what to say about that. I guess that I will give it a try later.

Weekend Report

Just some time here to reflect on the weekend. I like these thoughts that I have been having about the active dreaming. I like the active dreaming and the active learning. I like both of those. That’s how I could make progress. That’s how I could get more done. That’s how I could get my learning up to speed and get my dreaming up there as well.

On Friday we had a bit of a party. Only very few people came over. It was fun, however. I don’t know. I was caught peeping by Lyosha. That wasn’t very much fun. Kind of a drag. Got to play with N. That was more or less fun. I enjoyed that a lot. On the next day she came over again and she did not have a bra on. I found that interesting.

Overall I did feel kind of strange about the whole thing. Wondering how cheap it all is. I told Mikki. She wasn’t too happy about that. She harassed me a little bit about that.

I drank a lot on Friday night. I guess that I don’t really like that at all. I don’t quite know what to do about that. I wish that I didn’t do that all the time. I wish that I was doing that less. I don’t want to do that all the time. Yuck.

N is so unattractive. Yet something is kind of fun there. I enjoyed that. I liked it. Am I being selfish? What should I do with that. What should I do in terms of making my self more like what I want.

I guess what I like is to get in touch with my self. Like those dreams I used to have. And so I started to think… what should I be doing.

So in terms of my own life, How do I see all of this working out. What am going to be doing for the next few years. I need to think about that. I need to wonder about all of that. What are the reasons that I could be doing all of that. Stay smart. I guess that makes sense. I could go back to school. That is one thing I could do. I could even study something interesting.