Educating Danny

That was not a bad weekend

I suppose that it could have been better, but I know that it could have been worse. A nice dinner and then the bookstore with Natalya on Friday. Saturday, I went and got a tree. It was windy. I returned home. I knew that whatever I wanted to do I wanted to do it with the kids. I think that we ended up doing stuff here at home. That's right. The nice dinner and bookstore was Saturday. We went to Boulder on Friday. She was very late. She told me that she got caught in traffic. Really she was just not interested in being on time. She doesn't plan well. There is something to be learned there. We need to plan well. The seven habits of highly effective people. I should get that book and read it. I got the lamp put in the office. I am pretty happy about that. I got the space all cleaned up at work. I am pretty happy about that. I need to install that other software. I need to clean up the Mac computer at work. I don't know that today is a day for that.

I also need to make good on the promises that I made to Olga and to Nana.

There were a lot of good tapes at the book store. I wish that I would not have bought the ones I bought. I saw a lot that looked much better. Once we need to play around.I also need to take care of the things that I agreed to do for the ice queen. That's how I think that I will refer to her from now on. The ice queen. That's kind of nice. I hope that she is doing better. I somehow doubt it. Also I am not going to work so much. I am going to be working just what I need to. I am also going to try and focus and really get a lot done. That's really what I want. I want to focus and move ahead. So that all of my motion is economical and effective. No wasted movements. Not wasted activities. Everything is dual purposed. So there could be something tonight like dual purpose activities. Something like that. I will keep thinking about it.

Thoughts about Randy

It was Randy's birthday not too long ago. I never did reach him by phone. I wish that I would have. I need to call him and see how he is doing. Joe, it seems, has a little brother. One brother. Never did do much. Sometimes it's easy to see a degree of failure in Joe as well. A kind of delusion about it all. A kind of closed mind. Too much thought. Not enough feeling. Something like that. Lisa will be working with us this summer. I wish that she was going to be working more directly with us. I really want to hear all about it. Hey Lisa. I really want to hear all about it. That would really just be fantastic. I remember some thoughts that I had about a conversation, actually more of a lecture that I would like to have with her about doing what you love. I would like her to understand that doing what you love is more important then anything else.

Educating Danny

So there is still a lot there to work on. A lot of Russian. A lot of Computers. A lot of software and a lot of other stuff to think about and to worry about. So I will work on all of that. I need to. Education is of the utmost importance. I was thinking about taking notes the other day. I was thinking about what someone was saying about taking notes about how it help reinforce what was learned. Yes, that is the importance of exercises. Do what you have studied. Make it work. So that I will do. I am actually beginning to wonder if I am trying to write to much. I think that is not it. I think that I just write to slow. I need to write faster. That means that in the morning I need to think more clearly and write faster.

Wendy

She never responded after the e-mail that I sent her. I wonder if she ever will. You know, in some sense I don't feel all that bad, or at least I'm not all that worried about it. It was all "the act". That is I am trying to develop the act. That means that I am trying to put an act together. The act of course is the total and complete honesty about who I am and what I think and feel. That is the act. That is what I want to develop. I want to do that without any aids from drugs or alcohol. The best quantity of alcohol is none.
This is really going slow. So anyway, what I want to do with Wendy is to keep working it. To keep on fasioning it into some kind of a statement. That is really what I want to do. There is something to that. I can make it into art. That is the whole point of all of this. Creativity. There is really something to that idea. So today I will continue to work on that. There is also another little project that I want to work on. It is to make the office into a kind of artwork. To really make it say things. All of the things that I want to do. I really like the way that the people at the IBM communications or marketing department have put together a theme. I would like to do that too. I would really like to do that. Write a little book and publish it. One Voice. A little piece of marketing material. That would really be something. Wouldn't it? I will need a different kind of focus for that. But I do think that it is something I could do. Not all that hard. I want to do it. I want to go back and look at some of the work that one guy did in design.

Touch and Play

So, this was a great weekend. All I can say about that is YEAAA!!!! I feel so much better about what I got done this weekend. Oh, I did a lot. Right now I am barely moving because of all of the physical activity I did today. Killer aerobics in the morning. Then I went to the park with the girls and it was really good. I would like to have been more active. I was a little drowsy. Eventually, I got more into it and I started being more involved. Sasha really like that. She really feels the attention. All of the other parents were so uninvolved. Kind of sad. They all just sat there. No energy. No enthusiasm.

Thoughts about balance

I have been reading some Bruce Lee. The Tao of Jeet Kune Do. It is actually a very nice little work. I really enjoy reading it. He has a lot of very meaningful things to say. It has helped get me motivated to do a lot of the things that I have been doing. I need to still loose some more weight. But I like the feel of my body right now. Between the aerobics and raquetball I'm doing OK. But I would like to intensify the morning work out. Each morning. I did not buy a jump rope. I had really wanted to do that. Perhaps tomorrow. I need to spend a few minutes thinking about what I'm going to do tomorrow. I cleaned my office today and the lab. I also put a lamp in my office. I need to start making the hut. I heard a report on the news about that. Very interesting. How we deal with our space. How we create our huts. What architecture says about who we are. We have some space. We take that space up. I don't know that I really want to use the office for studying. Perhaps I would like to eat there. A place where I could take some time to study. Part of my day should be spent with books. I do believe that. We could take some time and do it. This week needs to be a week of high efficiency. That is very important. I will be trying to get a lot done in the next ten days. So I need to focus on those things and to really produce. There is the Windows software, but there are also the issues of the security in Netscape. The things that I have been doing have felt very good. I want to get a nice letter to Wendy. A work of art. Same for Anna. I need to get that done as well.

Which Reminds Me of Her

Natalya and I have been doing quite nice together. I have really begun to enjoy her company. I suppose there have always been times when I enjoyed her company, but lately it does seem that her attitude has taken a very positive turn. I really like that. It seems so right. It seems so good. It is very positive. We made love everyday (and twice a couple of days) for a couple of weeks. It was really something. Several of the times it was very passionate. Last night we went out to dinner. No arguments and no problems. I got a haircut and I got all dressed up and I met her at the restaurant with flowers. She was so happy. We were able to hug and kiss and to really enjoy each other at dinner. Bruce Lee had talked about something called "emotional exercise" or something like that. I decided to give it a try. To really just make something happen. To deepen the sense of careing and affection that we have. That is emotional development. We also went out Friday night. Ended up having Pizza with Ted and Tonya. She said that she was very grateful to me for teaching her to love life and to want to continue to grow and develop. To understand how important that was. There is just so much to live for here. There is just so much to do. I can't just sit around and do nothing. I need to keep moving and keep growing. That is what I keep struggling with. That is what I keep trying to do with my life. To make tracks. Guerrilla learning. That's what I call it. I would like to make a montage of the wall in my office. That is what I would like to do. I would like to start adding stuff and to make it tell a story. A work of art. That's what I would like to do. But I think that I will do it in stages. Piece by piece. I will need equipment. I will need a sense of who I am. I think that a nice run tomorrow would shake loose a lot of the sleepy feelings that I am accustomed to in the morning. I will have to get that jump rope, but I don't think there should be a hurry for that. I need to take my time and build up a little ritual. A ritual of love. Perhaps that is what I would like to do.I need to keep thinking about all of these things. Because they are all very important. I need to keep it up. I need to keep focused. There are reasons for all of that. I need to keep working on it all. I need to work on all of that stuff. Work. Work. Work. Play. Play. Love. Laugh. Learn. Love. Laugh. Love. Work. Give. Serve. Work. Produce. Produce. Learn. Love. Love. Laugh. Play. Work. Serve. Work. Produce. Laugh. Learn. Love. Love. Love. Work. Play. Love. Learn. Server. Play. Kiss. Love. Help. Win. Love. Touch. Play.

What the Wind Said

This is another beginning. I like all of those beginnings. It makes me feel good. I have been wondering all about that stuff. I have once again been thinking. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about Wendy. Perhaps I have been just trying to get myself out of the hole. She has not written back since I wrote and told her all about Anna's abortion. I feel a pretty grave loss. The point of the letter that I would write to her would go into that. I suppose there are those things to think about. I thought about some of the things I would say. I wanted to be real with her. I did. I wanted to be real just so that I could develop "the act". That's what I need to think about. How to keep that going. Its that gift of fire thing again. Every once in a while it races through your life and destroys things. Sometimes you need that. I can no longer look at these things as good or evil, bad or good. Things just are. And they move. Sometimes they grow and sometimes they shrink. I don't know that one direction can be better than another.

What I want is to develop myself. That is what I want. I want to really evolve. I want to grow. I want to provide a great legacy for my children and grand children. I want to be strong and powerful. I want to have perfect balance. I want to achieve and I want to expand. Beer just doesn't do any good for all of that. It really doesn't.

The Retreat

The retreat from Anna has begun. No, this is not the retreat that is of the vanquished or the weak. This is the retreat of the strong. This is the letting the darkness come over it all. This is letting the dark forces wax while I wane. But I remain close. In the little things. It is there that I remain close. I kind of like it because it sure has freed up a lot of time for me to get things done. I have been getting a lot more done and I am very happy with that.

The Ranch

Stuff at IBM is going well. It could be going better and, indeed, it is the purpose of these words here to help me find ways to make it happen better, faster and more cleanly. So, I think that one thing I would like to do is to clean up my area. I think that I would like to do that tomorrow. So that on Monday morning I could just go in have everything there. I would also like to clean up the hard drives on all of the machines. I would like to do that type of thing. I would like to demonstrate a new kind of focus. That speed, balance and so forth. I would like to see that. I would like to be that. Endurance. That is also something that I want to bring to bear on all of this. I really need to start reaching out into all of the different parts and to look for something that is really spectacular. Something that I can put into my portfolio.

Wendy

I still don't want her to go away. But when you think about it, she could and it would be alright. I suppose that I will still send her thoughts. What can she do? Ignore them. I understand that if I had gone out and had some physical affair and slept with some woman and she ended up pregnant then there is some kind of failure there. That would be easy to handle. Easy to understand. But this is something quite different. Something happened inside of me because of Anna that is unlike anything that I ever felt before. I felt an overwhelming outpouring of love for her. It was deep and wide. I would have done anything to take the pain that she was feeling away. That is really what I was trying to do. But what does that all mean. I see it now as a failure. A failure of some kind. I don't know that I'm ready to concede that it was a bad idea. But then again, what does all of that matter. I have to be ready. I have to be strong. I have to be ready for combat. Combat is here. Combat is real. I am ready for Combat.

What the wind said

I need a wind. I have been praying more lately. I have been praying for help to get into fine physical shape. I have been praying to say that I want to love my Self. I want to show that love with concrete physical acts. I want to show that love with a dedication to health and intellectual development. I want to show that love with all manner of feeling and thought. I want to show that love with everything that I have. I can really do that.

Big Sasha

It might make a lot of sense to move. A new world. Keep on learning.

Sasha is getting big. Men hurt people. Do you want to help this man hurt this woman? That is what I want to know. Big Sasha. She is hurting Zhenya. She is hurting Marina. She is hurting Lena. I don't know. What is the matter?

Catching Anna

Just some more thoughts about this day. Just some more ideas.

I don't know why, but it is much easier to feel alert and alive some other time of the day. Mornings seem to be so sleepy. I don't know why. I did do some exercises today, although not outside like I wanted. Its not too late I can still do that. Perhaps I will. I did do some stretching and that was good. And I'm still thinking about a lot of different things.

For example, I am still thinking about Anna. Who is she and what does she mean to me. I still think about that. Still trying to decide. I know that I can no longer call her and chase her like I once did. I have finished the chase. Either I caught her or I did not.

Morning Discipline

Worked out today. The aerobic class. It was good. Thought a lot about all of the things that I do. Thought a lot about a number of things.

About how much better it feels to work out than it does to drink. Thought makes the mind move. Just like the body moves in response to the muscles.

Thought about deepening my committment to the plan. To make the plan and to make it work. I need that kind of focus. I need to work on that.

I thought about the dance. Making dance a part of the plan. The martial arts don't seem to find the energy to survive. I should do them in the morning. I need to think about what I do for Anna. What I do for Natasha. How I provide them with leadership, and how I provide them with service.

To understand what they need and what they want. To take part in their lives and to be interested in it. That is a winning approach. There just doesn't seem to be anyone at work that moves things along at a wonderful speed.

That one guy, s.g. is such a loser. I don't like him. I started thinking about the guy s. He is always worried about other people knowing what he knows. He doesn't like to share, he doesn't like to open up.

I need a morning plan. I need a morning plan. What kinds of things do I want to get done each morning. What do I want to work on. I want exercise. I want to write. I want to do martial arts. I want to study philosophy. That is what I want. I want to mediatate. I want to fix myself breakfast and lunch.

I want to remember to do everything. I want to do it fast and effective. What is the first thing to do. Stretch. Get into the day gently. And with love. Embrace the day with love. Today I embrace the day with love.

I also need to make the drive productive. That is something to do. Breathing, eye exercises, meditation, listening to tapes.

Those are some of the things I could do. There are others. What I need to make sure of is that each minute that I spend I spend doing something useful and productive. That is vital.

I really want to write more. Enough of the graphics. That will come slowly and with time.

I can do somethings now, but mainly that's for others to worry about.

I guess that I got frustrated yesterday when I spent so much time and got so little done.

I did also drink on Friday night. That is probably more to the point.I think there is a lot to that.

These kids are going to grow up being so familiar with computers. What a great thing. I can't believe it.

Dasha is two years old. She came into the computer room. Got a CD. Stuck it in the drive and double clicked on the icon to start Reader Rabbit.

That is really just fantastic. It makes me feel so good. So young and so aware of how to use this fantastic technology.

It is really just fantastic. I wonder what all of this means. I need to think more about all of these things.

I need to work on the more disciplined aspects of writing as well. I need to do that. I am still so concerned with the effect that one e-mail that sent had on Wendy. I have yet to hear from her. I guess that I will give is some time. I will work on the words that I have been sending her. Try to focus on quality. Really give it some attention.

Think about the things that I would like to tell her. We all need to have something inside of us that gives meaning to what we do. That is called the moral structure. That is called fiber and dignity. There are many things to think about. Things like self. The dedication that I have to them. The customers. That is what its all about. When nobody cares then the whole thing just dies.

That's what happens. People have to care. That's what makes this whole thing happen. People have to care. There are people who don't or who care about all of the wrong things. That was kind of fun. This is really just amazing.

It is so good. That is what I like about it. I love them. I love the children and I love Anna. I love Natasha.

I want to provide for them all and I want to take care of them all. That is what its all about. Think about that. I still resent those birds.

What the hell is that all about. A bunch of fucking birds. Just think. We could be birds. We could fly.

Maybe we were the ones that screwed everything up. Maybe mammals are really the enemy. It was always birds who were the answer. Just some thoughts. There are others now too. Doug came by the lab on Friday. He wanted to see what I was up to. I guess that he wanted to check on things.

Luana also came by. It was good to see her. I think that I have some answers to the questions that she has. I think that she knows that. I need to watch that. What the hell is going on. I don't know that I like the music that plays in the basement and I don't know how much of it I can take. Or how much of it I should take. I don't know that I need to take much of it. This is still my house.

That is what he needs to understand. It is my house.

Beeped

Indeed it is a peculiar time. My mind is full of thoughts and I'm doing OK. I did not talk to Anna for many days. More than a week. And then on the third she beeped me. I talked to her for a while. She was happy to talk to me. She beeped me while I was at lunch. She actually beeped me again before I got to call her. Then I talked to her again on Friday. Mostly she was just interested in getting some information, but she did want to check my feelings see if I still loved her. And she was so happy to hear my voice. I could feel all of that. That is as it is. I left Natasha feeling unsupported. I don't know why I felt the need to do it, but I did.

Not even that much from it really.

I did think about my Win, Execute and Team. I did think about Anna. Anna comes as a fear to me when I'm in flight. I don't know why. Perhaps because of all that she represents. All of that hardness. I don't really think that I need any of that. I needed to get more done today. I feel like there was something missing today. A plan. That is what was missing. I spent a lot of time in photoshop and illustrator. They really can take up a lot of time. I don't get how they can take up so much time. But they do.

Customer Service

This is fun. The mind at leisure. The mind that wanders. The place at home. What is this. Wow. The delight of the mind. The adventure of the spirit. The fine and pleanant misery that we abound in. The cyclic nostalgia of 10,000 generations. What can you do with that? IBM is my customer. I win if my customer is satisfied.
That is the short term. The long term is that I need to be sure that they are satisfied because what I deliver is of high quality. I believe in customer service like you believe in the three kingdoms.